what should I name this feeling?

Here’s the situations:

I already accepted the scholarship of DIKNAS and signed the contract to continue my master’s degree in Univ Sahid Jakarta (+/-  8 months) and Universiti Utara Malaysia (+/- 10 months). The class started on the first week of September 2008.

My friend was recommending me to work in her office since there’s a vacant position. The position was good and the salary was also good for a starter like me. (I was dying to get  a good job AS SOON AS POSSIBLE so I can fulfill my own basic needs and no longer preoccupied by such-a-nasty feeling of being a jobseeker for months!!).

At that moment, I was totally confuse. The working place is far away from Sahid Sudirman since it’s located in Serpong (Tangerang). The working hours starts from 8am to 5pm and It’s quite impossible to get to Sahid on time since my lectures definitely start at 5pm!! (No permission to skip the class or ‘titip absen’!!). There are also some rules and regulation of skipping the class and it relates to the contract I’ve signed before. Once I break the rule, the contract is binding and there will be disaster! -whatta hyperbolic statements ;p)

I got the interview with the Manager. Things were running smoothly. Finally, it’s the time to be true to the Manager by saying that currently I’m pursuing my Master’s Degree in Sahid Sudirman. My classes are started at 5pm to 10pm every Monday, Wednesday and Thursday. (I am not (obviously) asking for special privilege for my condition, but I wish they could consider  and understand this).

At the end of the interview, The Manager said that there’s no problem with my competencies and my English, BUT he said that my lecture (in Sahid) will be a major considerations for me to be accepted in that place. He said, just wait for the result. (For you to know, they never called me and my friend said that they couldn’t accept me because right now I have another priority of going to school once again;()

I feel relief and broken-heart at the same time. I was hoping to get this job, though in contrary I wasn’t sure that I could act total in both of my lecture and the office.

Somehow, the choices have been made. Night before my interview, My friend (who recommended me!) told me that I should prioritize the job and show the manager that I will put this job (If I were accepted) as my main priority. I shouldn’t burden the assessment of the Manager by saying that currently I’m continuing my study in Sahid Sudirman. But I have already discussed this situation with my parents. I was trying to get the second opinion about my situation. They supported me and encouraged me to be honest about my conditions to the Manager. “Let God decide what’s BEST for me…“, they said.

I was trying to be neutral during my interview session. I didnt show them that my study is my first priority now, in the other hand, I was trying to give some signal that I badly need this job. But, somehow, they believe that accepting me in this company wasn’t the best choice.

I didn’t know, whether I am the one who turned down this OPPORTUNITY, or I’m the one who have made the best decision for my future (Meaning: waiting for God’s scenario of my life and the best job that’s written for me sometime in the future). This is surely God’s will, I BELIEVE.

But in my belief, I feel so-humanly-envy to my best friend who got the chance to be interviewed in the company (we’re currently discussed!) and finally be accepted to ‘replace’ me.

My friend (who firstly recommended me) finally recommended her since I’m not ‘the perfect’ candidate to fulfill the position (Hell yeah, I have a lecture to think about! and my lecture was the ONLY one that burden me to be accepted in that company!).

I knew that my best friends were having the interview session, but I JUST knew it that she’s actually got accepted in that company. I didn’t know why she hide it from me. Was it to keep my feeling? For I believe that she knew my story.

I believe that it wouldn’t be a problem to me If the one who was accepted in the company wasn’t one of my best friend. But I said that it’s only a human’s thought (of mine!) of being miserable and unfortunate for not being able to get the job and found out that the job is my best friend’s job now. I am not angry with her, but I’m questioning God, “What’s your blueprint for my life?”

Is this feeling acceptable, dear?

Is this feeling wrong?

LIFE IS FAIR FOR ANYBODY, NOT ONLY FOR CERTAIN PEOPLE. She got the chance (I’ve turned down before!), she took the chance and finally the chance was hers.

I should start to believe (again!) that the job wasn’t the best job for me. That Allah has written down my fate, my future and my everything. That a perfect job of mine still needs to be searched. That I should concentrate more on my lecture, get some good marks from those professors, do my task, etc. That I should wait for some more time to be financially independent from my parents. That I should wait to be able to buy things I love. That I should be more patient to see God’s full sketch of my life.  That I should be THANKFUL for what I have now. That I should wait, try harder and pray for His plan to come…

I’m praying God that I wouldn’t envy my friends who are success now, who are already working in an established-company, earning millions of rupiah (and maybe Dollars in a foreign company), making their parents proud, reaching their dreams. Friends who already own everything that I haven’t owned now.

notes: Thank you for my parents, brothers, and best friends who support me (like forever!) and always believe that I am GREAT. That I will be someone who plays important role in the future. That I will not be NOBODY, but SOMEBODY who colors the worlds with my talent. I’m trying my best to go that far… Please pray for me…

.:the stories behind me:. | Comments (5)

8 hours with you…

It was Thursday and he said that he’s about to live Jakarta and go back to his hometown for Lebaran.. So, we planned to do many things together that day=)

One thing for sure, that day was TIRING since we have to walk all the time… (Kasian si mas..Lagi puasa..Eh, harus jalan kaki jauuuh banget…hihi (untung aja aku lagi gak puasa..wekekek ;p)

Ini adalah kisah perjalanan kaki aku dan si Mas… huahaha ;p

Rute perjalanan gw dimulai sejak turun dari patas 45. Jalan kaki menuju Benhil, ke arah kosannya si Mas, naik tangga yang panjaang banget, melewati Atmajaya, Plaza Semanggi, masjid belakang PLANGI, melalui gang2 kecil, sampai akhirnya dengan mengejutkan bertemu dengan si Mas (yang lagi kelihatan manis banget pakai baju merah yang ternyata sengaja mau jemput aku;)), trus kita jalan ke kosannya.

Gak lama di kosannya si Mas, kita jalan lagi ke arah Plaza Semanggi. Niatnya mau liat film Laskar Pelangi yang tayang perdana di tanggal 25 September itu. Menyedihkan, ternyata cuma ada film2 lama di 21 PLANGI;(, akhirnya gw cek jadwal 21cineplex untuk film Laskar Pelangi. Ternyata di Planet Hollywood (PH) sedang diputar film yang kita cari itu. Akhirnya kita cepet2 jalan ke PH, padahal saat itu sudah jam 12.30 dan Film LP akan diputar tepat jam 12.45.

Berjalan selama setengah jam melewati kantornya si Mas, Crown Hotel, akhirnya kita sampai di PH (swear..jauuh banget..panasss pula!!). Sampe sana, tiketnya udah abis, selain itu, kita udah telat. Akhirnya kita beli tiket yang jam 15.00. Nah, masih ada 2 jam sebelum filmnya diputar, akhirnya kita balik lagi ke plaza Semanggi (karena si Mas mau beli hadiah lebaran buat adiknya). Kita naik tangga ke sebrang PH (jauh juga!), naik kopaja 19, turun dekat semanggi, jalan kaki, naik tangga lagi, lewat Atmajaya (lagi), akhirnya sampai Plaza Semanggi (lagi). Sampe sana, kita muter2 cari baju, trus ke Giant (untuk beliin aku minum ;p), dan muter2 lagi cari hadiah yan cocok.

Nah, rasanya baru sebentar banget di PLANGI, waktu udah menunjukkan jam setengah 3. Uwff..Akhirnya kita pergi meninggalkan PLANGI, jalan kaki lagi, akhirnya sampai ke PH (lagi) untuk ngejar pertunjukkan jam 15.00. Ternyata di PH udah RAME bangett!! Yang ngantri tiket jg LP udah banyak banget! (Untung aja udah beli dari tadi).

Film-nya bagus Si Mas sampe kagum gt… Aplagi setelah tahu kalau kisahnya diinspirasi oleh kejadian yang nyata. Tiba-tiba si Mas bilang ‘Aku jadi pengen kuliah lagi..kayak kamu..” huahahaha.. (salahnya sendiri, dulu diajakin apply beasiswa, eh malah males untuk buat rancangan thesis-nya;) hihihi). Maaf ya, Mas=) Bcanda kok! hehehe

Film LP baru selesai jam 17.15, padahal kuliah gw dimulai jam 17.00. Nah, setelah film selesai, gw langsung ganti baju, trus cepet2 diantar si Mas nyebrang, lagi2 jalan kaki, naik jembatan, nunggu 640, akhirnya gw harus rela ninggalin si Mas;( Gak rela…Tapi gw harus kuliah..hikz..Goodbye, Mas…

Gw naik 640.. melambai ke si Mas, 640 akhirnya melaju…

Di tengah perjalanan, gw cek HP, ada sms dari Bang Sigit, katanya kuliah jam 17.00 dibatalkan dan baru ada nanti jam 19.00.

Payah!! Telat baca! Pdhl Bang Sigit krm sms dari jam setengah 5an;(

Akhirnya gw turun di depan KOMDAK, nyebrang lagi, naik jembatan, coba telepon si Mas untuk ngajak dia buka puasa bareng Nah, karena ternyata si Mas udah hampir sampe kosan, akhirnya aku balik lagi ke kosannya si Mas. Sepanjang perjalanan udah rame banget karena adzan Maghrib sudah berkumandang. Dia sengaja nunggu di depan warung makan dekat kosannya. Kita akhirnya bisa buka puasa bareng2..Alhamdulillah…

Setelah makan, kita ke kosannya si Mas, dia sholat, aku daftarin Flexy Combo-nya si Mas, bantu nyiapin barang2 yang dibawanya mudik, trus gak lama pergi lagi. Jalan kaki (lagi), nyebrang jembatan, nunggu 640 (lagi). Gak lama 640 datang, beriringan dengan patas 46 (yang mengarah ke Grogol dan membawa si Mas ke kampung halamannya). Akhirnya kita bener2 pisah deh, aku naik 640, si Mas naik 46;(

Sedih..

Sepi..

udah terasa kangennya..

Tapi aku langsung ke Sahid, cepet2 turun dari 640, naik lift sampe ke Lantai 3.

Aku pikir, aku sudah telat. Alhamdulillah kuliah belum dimulai, padahal saat itu sudah pukul 19.30. Seneng ketemu sama temen2… Kita belajar sama Prof.Harsono sampe jam 21.00 (pulang cepet…yippie..;)

Cepet2 turun dari lantai 3. Satu lift bareng Elda,dan Mba Mila.

Setelah turun, gw niat mau nyebrang lagi, jalan kaki dan (lagi2) naik jembatan, tapi alhamdulillah Elda nawarin naik Taksi bareng dia. Katanya dia lewat Slipi (jadi gw bs nebeng!) Horeee….Senangnya hatiku gak perlu jalan kaki lagi…Makasih ya, Nong Elda=)

Ngbrol2 sama Elda, turun di Slipi bawah, langsung naik P45menuju ke Islamic.

Alhamdulillah jalanan lancar, turun di Palem Semi, ambil motor yang sudah dititipkan dan ngebut sampe ke rumah..

Udah 8 jam bareng si Mas, tetap aja kurang ;( I’m happy with you…

Cepet balik ke Jakarta ya, Mas;) hehehe

.:the stories behind me:. | Comments (4)

Thinking about Him=(

Jadi sedih,, tadi dia cerita kalau lagi ada masalah di kantor=( Hikz.. Masalah yang ribet banget sih…

Aku gak bisa bantuin apa-apa, cuma bisa doain aja supaya kamu sabar dan diberi kemudahan untuk menyelesaikan masalah-masalahmu itu…

Semangat ya, sygq…

Luv you..

.:the stories behind me:. | Comment (0)

Cu..Mi… (Cuma Mikir aja kok susah ya..) wekekek

Duh, lagi coba baca2 buku Managerial Economics and Business Strategy-nya Michael Baye aja susssah banget=(

Bagaimanakah kabar teman2ku yang lain yang akan kuis di hari senin nanti??

Oia, gw mau cerita sedikit tentang kuliah gw di MM Sahid. Alhamdulillah udah dimulai dari dua minggu lalu. Minggu pertama diawali dengan matrikulasi. Minggu ini mulai kuliahnya. Overall, it’s FUN..

Anak2nya juga alhamdulillah asik (hopefully 1st impression lasts forever=) hehehe. Akhir2 ini malah ketahuan gokil-nya. Nanti kalau sudah ada fotonya, gw upload deh. Kemarin Winda sempet take our pictures melalui laptop-nya=)

(Ki-ka: Elda, mba Mila, akyu, Thami, Eva, Mas Sidik, Bang Sigit, Winda)

Ada yang kerja jadi wartawan, kerja di Insurance Company, LSM, Business Consulting, Bank, jadi dosen, kerja di services, etc.

Gw banyak ketinggalan banget. Banyak gak ngerti apa yang sebenarnya dibicarakan oleh dosen (dan apa yang dibicarakan oleh anak2 lainnya)=)wekekek

Makanya jadi pendengar setia aja. Menyaring informasi dari banyak sumber, biar tambah pinter. Whew..Udah lama gak kuliah, jadi gak kritis=)wekekekew

Tugas2 udah numpuk, semoga gw diberi kemudahan untukmengerjakan yang terbaik. Amien.. Where There’s a WILL, there’s a WAY=)hehehe.

Keep The Spirit

Back to School! | Comment (0)

Honesty

ni adalah lagu yang tiba2 aja jadi ‘happening’ di telinga gw setelah nonton tayangan MARIO TEGUH: GOLDEN WAY yang ditayangkan di Metro TV.

Acaranya menarik..Yah, lumayan lah, dapat motivasi gratis=)hehehe

Gw suka lagunya! Walau Jadul, tapi tetep OK!

If you search for tenderness
it isn’t hard to find.
You can have the love you need to live.
But if you look for truthfulness
You might just as well be blind.
It always seems to be so hard to give.

Honesty is such a lonely word.
Everyone is so untrue.
Honesty is hardly ever heard.
And mostly what I need from you.

I can always find someone
to say they sympathize.
If I wear my heart out on my sleeve.
But I don’t want some pretty face
to tell me pretty lies.
All I want is someone to believe.

Honesty is such a lonely word.
Everyone is so untrue.
Honesty is hardly ever heard.
And mostly what I need from you.

I can find a lover.
I can find a friend.
I can have security until the bitter end.
Anyone can comfort me
with promises again.
I know, I know.

When I’m deep inside of me
don’t be too concerned.
I won’t as for nothin’ while I’m gone.
But when I want sincerity
tell me where else can I turn.
Because you’re the one I depend upon.

by: Billy Joel

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Tell Me It’s Real!

Yeah,YOU’RE FOR REAL…FOR ME=)

Luv Ya=)

Are you for real?
like how i feel
can we share a love
to last forever?
and if so let me know

Tell me its real
this feeling that we feel
tell me that its real
don’t let love come just, to pass us by
Try, is all we have to do
its up to me and you
to make this special love, last forever more

Baby you told me that you loved me and you’d never leave my side
to the bitter end, through the thick and thin
you promised me baby that you wasn’t goin anywhere
baby keep it real, let me know just how you feel

Tell me its real
this feelin that we feel
tell me that its real
don’t let love come just, to pass us by
Try, is all we have to do
its up to me and you
to make this special love, last forever more

I can’t explain the way you made me feel,

Every time that you told me that you loved me
And you know you did, too many times
Just when i thought that love could never be a part of me
That’s when you came along, and showed me happiness

Baby you are the best. I think you’re different from the rest

and i really love ya

by: K-Ci and Jojo

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A Promise I Make

Girl, you’re every breath I take, Oh baby,
Your love rules every move I make, Oh baby,
And I know that you can’t read my mind
And baby, maybe I

Don’t say it as often as I should
But I really want it to be heard
When I say I love you that’s for good
You have my word
That day after day after all
I will always be true
That’s a promise I make to you

You, you take this heart of mine
And make it better
I need you to
Come and walk with me through this life Forever
And I know these words are long over due
And baby, maybe I Don’t say it as often as I should
But I really want it to be heard
When I say I love you that’s for good
You have my word
That day after day after all
I will always be true
That’s a promise I make to you

I may hold you
I may need you
I may want to
And baby, maybe I

Don’t say it as often as I should
But I really want it to be heard
When I say I love you that’s for good
You have my word
That day after day after all
I will always be true
That’s a promise I make to you

A promise I make to you
A promise I make to you

by: Dakota Moon

Hm, udah lama banget cari lagu ini, akhirnya bisa juga di-download.

Lagu ini juga ngingetin sama si pacar ;p

Luv ya…

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Feels Like Home

This is how I feel about you, sygq…

I Luv you…So much…

Thank you!

Somethin’ in your eyes, makes me wanna lose myself
Makes me wanna lose myself, in your arms
There’s somethin’ in your voice, makes my heart beat fast
Hope this feeling lasts, the rest of my life

If you knew how lonely my life has been
And how long I’ve been so alone
And if you knew how I wanted someone to come along
And change my life the way you’ve done

It feels like home to me, it feels like home to me
It feels like I’m all the way back where I come from
It feels like home to me, it feels like home to me
It feels like I’m all the way back where I belong

A window breaks, down a long, dark street
And a siren wails in the night
But I’m alright, ’cause I have you here with me
And I can almost see, through the dark there is light

Well, if you knew how much this moment means to me
And how long I’ve waited for your touch
And if you knew how happy you are making me
I never thought that I’d love anyone so much

It feels like home to me, it feels like home to me
It feels like I’m all the way the back where I come from
It feels like home to me, it feels like home to me
It feels like I’m all the way back where I belong
It feels like I’m all the way back where I belong

by: Chantal Kreviazuk

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